I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
