I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
