i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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