ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
