exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
