my mouth tastes like poor choices
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Randomize
