Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Houston, we have a squirter
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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