I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
