I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
