My underwear smells like fireworks.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
