i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize