Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
