How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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