Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
