my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
