I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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