and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
