so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I should be sponsored by Trojan
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
