He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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