i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
