You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Randomize
