rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
