ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
