You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
