I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
