I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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