I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
where are you?
Hypothermia
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Randomize
