She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
