it's too hot outside to masturbate.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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