he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
