You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
