listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize