I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
