Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
