I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
