and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
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