He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
