Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
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