Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
