the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize