apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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