anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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