he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
