hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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