I wanna bring you to show and tell
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
