Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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