can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
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