Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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