I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
