Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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