just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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