I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
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