I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
