the condom got lost in my hair
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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