YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
