hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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