last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Text me some of your sweat
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
