He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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