Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
