When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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