Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
